Definitely doubting I can stay safe And suppose I can, by taking the rest of the medication and drinking a bottle of vodka to make me sleep tonight, they only come back again the next day or a few days later. I also don't want to risk a pill and vodka cocktail as I have a physical health condition that makes that more dangerous than it already is. Ironic that I can be concerned about not dying from that yet in another way every atom of my being is telling me that topping myself is the wisest choice for me now. I guess it's probably because I'm such a control freak I want it all on my terms.

I did leave my therapist a voicemail and a text yesterday when it was bad, before the medication doped me up, which she'll find on Tuesday after the weekend. I told her I thought I needed to go to hospital. At the time I thought it might have helped to connect with her, but really I know nothing is able to help except maybe some proper medication. All it shows is that she is not in fact available for emergency situations on the weekends like she said, not that it even matters because whatever's wrong with me is too wide and too deep to be soothed by a quick call with anyone. Relationships are beyond me, I want people and then I can't bear the proximity, because I'm always aware that I have no solid foundation, and the light social interactions are all I have and they are never enough. I mean I ignored my friends today and made excuses last night because I couldn't face them. I knew being around them would be unbearable even though they are nice, fun people.