I can't go, I just can't. I can't sit there for four or five hours on my own in the emergency room full of hustle and bustle with drunk people and families and couples etc, it's like a crystallization of how alone I am. I'll end up walking out if I go. I spend so much time in hospitals in general and I don't think I can cope with the hospital environment when I'm like this, it will reinforce how hopeless it all is.

I can't do it alone anymore. I can't face all my ****. The best option is to aim for distraction and hope I can go back to how good I was at dissocciation and ploughing on before. **** therapy for ruining those survival skills on me. I have zero support in real life and I;m just worse off now.

It was csa flashbacks that started this particular sh#tstorm off There is no way back from that. My whole life is a waste. Always has been, a stupid stupid waste.