I am a recovering alcholic/addict-sober now almost 2 1/2 yrs. After coming out of my 30 year fog I realized i have had severe depression/aniety all my life, just didnt get diagnosed or i dont think i could have because i self medicated for that 30 yrs...I am now 42..and i was experiencing and going thru torture since i got sober...i was suicidal at times..it has been nothing but fear, pain, lack of self worth, self abuse, thoughts of anything horrible you can think of basically..the world ending, feeling devestated, panicked, more than full of worry, just to name a few emotions and feelings. now adhd has surfaced as well...when it was at its worst not being able to be in public, with my friends or family, all the world was against me, paranoia, hallucinations, anger, reacting with out thinking, lots of crying.. must have gone thru 10 therapists, not one actually listened or took me seriously because of my addicted past...i made some pretty bad decisions over my life, and even a few more once i got sober...feeling like i dont belong anywhere...and god forbid i talk to my family...i try telling them how i feel and they say nothing because i dont think they want to believe anything i am going thru is real...sometimes i think numbing my self with alcohol and drugs again would be easier than dealing with this. but that is definately not the answer...i actually exhaust myself everyday, especially with the racing constant thoughts that never stop..ever!
i am still far away from being given an actually diagnosis, and right now i have found a wonderful therapist, a life saving med dr, and have started having relief each day with a combination of effexor, adderal, ativan, and trazadone. I didnt sleep for about 20 of those 30 years i was using...but whats next??? im actually happy for the most part, got back to work after 6 years of being on disabilty, have a good job at a good company, going to be starting a part time job, have a wonderful man, i just cant believe it, its really a miracle. but...i have my days where i still am waiting for something bad to happen, or when the world is gonna end..something is bound to happen things dont go right for me....one major incident and that will be it...i will snap... anyone else experienced anything like what im describing? i feel like the only one out there sometimes that has lived similar to me? one of the main issues, with other people not me, are the meds i am on. i was addicted to opiates and benzos as well as alcohol. they are working for me...and if something that helps me not want to die everyday i am going to use them. looking for any feed back positive or negative....