So I've realized that everything I do, everything I'm "going through" is all for attention (or is for the most part). Just got through scratching up my upper thighs with a small exacto knife (the same one I used during my first round of "serious" SI, though honestly you couldn't call it "serious"--this time around it's even more mild), and as I was whipping the blade over my skin I was trying to figure out why I was doing it. I'm really not in any emotional pain, my life is, overall, as close to perfect as any human being could hope to get, my relationships with people are good and better... so why?

And I figured it out. It's 'cause I want attention. I want to be screwed up so I'll have an excuse not to do the things I don't want to do, so I can have a reason, and (I guess this is more subconscious, because consciously I don't really want this, at least in terms of my "issues"), so I'll get attention. So I'll be "special" and "unique" again.

Feel free to be utterly disgusted with me. I know I would be if I felt anything at all towards myself, but I'm always oddly calm and distant when I SI.

All my other self-destructive behaviors, even more than the cutting, are all for attention; not doing my work, staying up late, picking at skin/pimples/scabs, procrastination, posting here, etc. etc. It's really pathetic, actually. Even my attitudes towards other people, my trying to be kind and selfless--that's all just because I want to be well-liked, because I want to hear people talking about me in a positive way, even looking up to or admiring me. I fantasize about getting a dreadful disease so I can look like some kind of brave hero.

Geeze. I guess I have my "excuse" for therapy. It just sucks that it's exactly the same reasons that the girl who manipulated and abused me had. She just wanted attention, too. So I am just like her in the end. Wow.

God, this is all really incredibly disgusting. For all of those out here with significant issues, for those of you actually fighting for something and not just being horribly selfish, I am so sorry. Even this post is just attention-getting.

What the h3ll do I want?