What I mean by not being able to help it is, I can have several explanations for something, but any that don't "ring true" to me, I can't believe. People only believe what convinces them. Beliefs aren't a choice. But how you see things, is...to a degree. An example is if someone you love dies. You can see this as, "I miss him. I love him," and you can see it as, "He's in a better place now," or, "His pain is ended." All these things decide how you will feel about the situation. But, if you don't truly believe the person is in a "better place," then you can't be happier about the situation, because you don't believe it's the truth.

Just to explain a little more why I can see myself as mentally defective...

There are certain things human beings are meant to be. We're supposed to be born with two arms and two legs, be able to hear and see, be male or female, etc. I know many people have different opinions, but these are mine. Maybe "defective" isn't the right word in all cases where certain things are missing, but anyone who misses certain things are "not normal," to me. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Most people who have missing things or abnormalities learn to be stronger in another way. And I'm not saying people like this need to be "fixed." I think it's good if options are available, though. I don't believe a lot of things, even though I've long-considered them (and some I did believe for a while), which are often politically correct.