Thankyou for all the replies, really means a lot.

..my drinking is better than what it was (a recent hospital admission helped a bit with that) but I am so scared that it won't stay like that. It kind of feels that life is just pointless and why I am even still here trying, still fighting my very head to keep safe and stay alive.

I remember one day when I was younger. My grandma and grandpa were looking after me one day after school as my parents were at a funeral. A friends mum came to pick me up (we had a play date arranged) and my grandma would not let me leave the house until I put my jumper on (it was 18+ degrees outside!) I hated her for making such a big fuss over it, threatening not to let me go unless I put my jumper on. But I did lover her too... my grandparents saw things in me that not even my parents were willing to see, like my eating disorder!

I hurt them, both so much, my grandparents.. but I guess you never realise how much someone means to you, how much you love them until they are dying or even worse, gone.

..my mum keeps bringing it up. Telling me to just visit grandma already, that she is scared I will regret it if I don't see her and say goodbye.

I just wish so much that she would listen to my decision and just accept it. Sometimes I just wish she would disappear and leave me alone and I know I sound like a horrible daughter saying that right now but I don't know how many more times I can tell her that I just can't see her, that I am no where near strong enough for that!!! I just wish she would listen to me