my boyfriend. or not boyfriend anymore, well thats the point. he's so amazing. we broke up though. on friday night, saturday morning. big waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. so anyway, to the point. well he's in the army, my great big hero. and its time for him to move. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. he asked me to come with him, i want to so bad, but i'm still living at home with my parents ( my dad is also army) and i feel a responsibility to my family until they move in october. but by then i'll be halfway through the semester. but still, thats not the point. but he's leaving me, i know that he has to and he's just doing his job. but i dont want him to go. he calculated its 1500 miles away. waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. but here was our plan. that in december when i finish my semester, i come and see him. then i can stay and we can finally be together. i just hope we can hold it together this 8 months. that we can continue to share over the phone and the internet and snail mail, just without the ever important sense of touch. right now our relationship is open, i can do whatever, he can do whatever and neither one of us will say anything as much as it will hurt the other, but its no cheating. so as long as we can keep things working out on the phone and the internet, december will be my happily ever after.

the break up though, realizing we were coming to a stop, or a pause really...golly it was horrible. just me bawling my eyes out cause i'd think of things we did, or things we didnt get to do yet, or the things i would miss once he's gone. and then him..to see him cry, not because he's a guy but because i love him to death it would hurt me so bad to see him in such pain because of me. i just want to make him feel better. i've been looking at recent pictures of him and he still looks like he's been crying for days and still not slept. and i was just crying and crying, but it was also nice cause he held me just like i always wanted to be held had the situation arised. just when you feel the worst and like your not good enough to be touched, and i'm fighting him and kicking him away he holds tighter and says no i want to hold you. one of the few things i wanted to happen.

now i'm just not making sense, but i'm feeling all kinds of things and its late and i'm tired after a day of work and..and and and..ugh. i just want it to be december already. hopefully after this 8 months he wont have to deploy again so i wont have to try and survive through that. i'll stop blabbing now, i feel better.