Hello!

Maybe there is a professional out there that can help me or someone "in the know" that can offer some enlightenment!! I have been in and out of therapy, of one kind or another, for more than 17 years. Actual "therapy" time approx 10 years, ranging from 5 or 6 sessions to one that went on for almost 2 years.

I have been referred or advised to seek therapy for symptoms of depression, beginning in 1990 until present.
I have started each "round" of therapy telling the doc that I don't think I am "depressed", or that I have "depression". Yes, I have some of the symptoms, but the symptoms all revolve around and connect to the death of my parents (sept. 11, 1989 mama, march 9, 1990 daddy-I was 19).

Was told that I am having problems with their death because I am depressed, not the other way around. Each gave me an Rx for antidepressants, some added an extra Rx for anxiety. I should clarify here that I never started out seeing a psychiatrist, but a therapist. I did not want medication. I wanted clarification. But regardless of the modality, certification, background of the therapy(ist), I would eventually be informed that I "might find it helpful" to have an assessment done by a psychiatrist. I was 20 when all this started, and didn't think twice about following the advice I was given. I just felt more lost and confused and well crazy. If all these doctors of mental health tell me that what I am thinking and feeling are not really what I am thinking and feeling, then I better get those Rx's filled fast before the guys with the butterfly nets and white coats come after me!!

Now here we are in the year 2007 - thank you for sticking it out this long, I'll attempt to wrap it up - and guess what?!? There has been talk in the psychiatric community that some people get "stuck" in the grieving cycle, especially those who were faced with multiple losses and losses under sudden traumatic conditions. Complicated, Traumatic, Unresolved Grief are names bandied around, and there are some who are trying to get this disorder recognized and added to the next DSM-V, scheduled to be published in 2012.

Mmmm...Sept. 11, 1989 my mother is killed instantly in auto accident, my father who was also in the vehicle spent the last 6 mos of his life in CCU in and out of comas, I am 19, I had to tell my dad about my mother death, I am the youngest of 6 kids(4 were dads, 1 was moms, I was their's), I am "elected" to pick out the coffins, what they will wear, what should be said or sung, blahblahblah (my siblings range from 8 to 15 years older than me-are ya getting the pic?).

The paragraph above contains just a blink of the info that every therapy(ist) session started out with. Just in the past three years I have had 2 seperate "docs" TOTALLY dismiss this information, and see me as "depressed" or "SADD" or "manic".

So...if you're still awake...would I know whether or not I'm depressed, or whether or not I am still floundering around in the "stages of the grieving process" unable to grasp that elusive link that will allow me to be able to love and honor them in a different way rather than just loving and honoring them through memories of past happiness and an almost overwhelming grief and longing at times when their presence is so blatantly missing from my life?? I just want some peace, and I don't think it comes in pill form.

Help!