Glad what I wrote was relatable. Yo are feeling at least somewhat better today? Good luck at your T. I dropped mine because something she said really upset me, but I need to be in it. I'm a wreck. Ah!

Anyhow, I also experience frequent suicidal ideations. I was just thinking I wanted to start a thread about it, and I checked your responses.

It is scary to be a person who considers suicide and entertains things like imagining killing yourself. What I am wondering now is, what impact is that having on us, even if we don't kill ourselves? Do you know what I mean? Like, it can't be the same for a person who has thoughts of ultimate violence against one's self running through the mind, as it is for someone who would never dream of killing themselves. Just something I got started thinking about.

I experience thoughts of suicide as a form of self punishment. Because as much as there is this compulsion to consider suicide, doing it makes me sad and it hurts. So I feel like I am punishing myself for some reason that is not available to me.

I hope I am not just carrying on, that there is something helpful in here.
And I'm sending you strength. Totally want you to have and keep that wonderful thing that crossed your path!
Soon...
MT