I'm get things done, I'm get kinda sick and sleepy a lot. It feels time is going way too slow. I feel a lot of my time, isn't stuck in a monotonous task or being stuck at home, but I'm trapped in my existence and I don't want to die a lot. I just want to go away from this imprisonment. I feel trapped in the way everything works in this whole planet. I don't want love, I don't want much, I wish I could run away and live simpler life in pure isolation. I'm usually isolated in my head, it's like my head is always somewhere else and when I come back to reality it's like 4 months later or 4 years later in the future and my life is gone.
I was in my own peaceful reality, but it's usually disturbed with the thought of my own mortality and the grieving of my purpose in life.

I've felt I should of helped the middle east and their people, I wanted to help people to give some clarity to my existence. Truly invest my time, being invested completely consumed into another life, another culture, and erase being american. I wanted to embrace my true place. I felt my life here in america is very caddy and I knew all my life, I'm not american, I'm european, I'm scottish. I'm born american, and I wanted to be apart of a home.

I've adopted culture in the UK and especially Scotland from my family on my mom's side. My mom is a dual citizen, but I felt for all my life. I didn't like being an american, because the feeling I had as it my home felt out of place.
I never understood my complexity of my internal needs. It's not as simple of moving to scotland, because I won't find the relief. I'll still be alone, because I want a home, not just a house or a mindless banter of silly whims of american life.

I felt my whole life I was entirely different from a lot of people, I still don't understand why or what makes me so different. I know what's in me is different itself, but why am I so in need to separate from everyone. Why do I love to distance and have true loving interpersonal relationships with things that are unattainable in my head. I don't know what I want, some days, I want to be miserable others I want to be happy and free. Many days, I want to fall in love and many more I want to avoid all people at all costs. Many days I'm sane to everyone around me and have a clear view of what I see, but many more times, I see nothing under the thin layer of skin called existence.

I only feel alive with vibrations and existing through my understanding in other's people's eyes. If I don't have that, I'm nothing, but truly alone in a void of people, culture, and life that is irrelevant to what I'm experiencing.

I don't know if anyone has this.

help