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(first letter removed)
8.25.14
Part of me wonders why I continue to write. If I can’t get you to respond to my (written) words in session, we are never going to get anywhere, and that is a fact. And you never really respond, and I don’t understand why. You said I couldn’t have the extra ten minutes, so I doubt there will be time to share any recordings with you during sessions. But I was thinking about something else you said on Thursday. I asked you to please consider before hand if the question you were about to deflect was WORTH the fallout afterwards of upsetting me so much that it ruined the rest of the session. Your response was curious.
"If you get upset, that's not my fault."
You are absolutely correct in that it would not be “your fault.” But in a larger sense is it not your goal to engage with me, to create an environment where I feel safe and able to share with you? If deflecting common and rather innocent questions are known to trigger me and cause so much upset that proceeding with a productive session becomes nearly impossible-is it not in MY BEST INTEREST to choose your deflection battles a little more carefully? I only bring this up because your answer made it seem like the only important thing was that you be right, not that you be helpful.
Which leads to my next concern…regarding you continuing to see me as a client. There was a point, several weeks ago, when Rochelle from insurance called me during our session to say that they would continue to pay for the next 6 months. You expressed confusion about why they would do that, how I had gotten them to do it. I had been feeling trepidation, I was afraid to tell you about my efforts to keep you bc you seemed to so strongly disapprove. I felt like you wanted me to accept “no” and just lie there and take it.
When I explained to you how my lawyer had explained it to me; about continuity of care, and if they stopped paying and something happened, they could feasibly be found legally liable. You became visibly upset and drove home to me that if I hurt myself, no one was liable but me, it was my responsibility alone. And you seemed very upset that they had agreed to continue paying. In light of you saying you had to keep seeing me bc I filed that grievance, that when people file grievances they get to keep coming as long as they want, I now wonder if this is not what you were referring to. That you might possibly have some legal culpability due to having abruptly dropped me as a client, (regardless if insurance told you to or not) and since I had drawn attention to the fact at the board meeting and via the grievance, you had no choice but to continue. I wonder if you had not consulted a lawyer or colleague about me, and if their counsel was not the reason you had agreed to see me on a 1x monthly basis prior to insurance agreeing to pay.
I know on Thursday you explained the reason you “had” to keep seeing me as due to the insurances verbal promise to pay, and that to them that was as good as actually paying, so you had to keep seeing me while they figured it out. I hear your words, I heard them both times, but they are different words, and I feel rather misled, I feel confused, I feel like you are gaslighting me, confusing me and blaming it on my BPD perceptions.
-IRL
(I dont think I will keep the term "gaslight" in there, but its a part of the original version. Everything dated before today I already gave her- its what was handwritten and given to her after my thursday session. The new stuff is dated today.)
Last edited by InRealLife45; Aug 25, 2014 at 03:41 PM.
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