It sounds like you feel a lot of pain and struggle with missing your mom. I am so sorry...It must be hard to have sharp pointy rocks and hurting...Mixed in with the pain I can see you were very good at knowing what to do: taking care of yourself, recognizing your talent, enjoying a job you love, being aware of your feelings (instead of numbness and denial) ...and going to therapy. Not harming yourself is an excellent start!
The thing that kept me going was I didn't want to be late for the next T appointment...if I died I would be late for sure and T would be upset. I resolved to live until the next appointment. That's it...and years later my life turned around into joy. Hopefully that helps you a little bit,..I understand that feeling of pain and I sincerely wish you comfort and inner peace.