well it used to be my cat but he died in january. i dont mean to sound like im joking. i am very serious. thinking about who would take care of my cat if i had killed myself stopped me so many times. he meant a lot to me. but now that he is gone im not sure what keeps me going. i think relationships in my life mean a lot to me. so that is some of it. but also i just try to remember that bad times pass eventually. i know that sounds trite but idk it helps me get thru it. i used to not even be able to think like that.

daily things that help me are talking to someone every day, anyone really, i mean i prefer friends or family but sometimes the only people i talk to are customers at my job. i try to stay within a routine to alleviate stress. honestly the biggest thing that helps me when im low and feel unsafe is to take a prn of seroquel. it numbs me out. i dont really see that as healthy but its still better than the self destructive coping skills i had before.

i think its a process to figure these things out for ourselves

It sounds like you feel a lot of pain and struggle with missing your mom. I am so sorry...It must be hard to have sharp pointy rocks and hurting...Mixed in with the pain I can see you were very good at knowing what to do: taking care of yourself, recognizing your talent, enjoying a job you love, being aware of your feelings (instead of numbness and denial) ...and going to therapy. Not harming yourself is an excellent start!
The thing that kept me going was I didn't want to be late for the next T appointment...if I died I would be late for sure and T would be upset. I resolved to live until the next appointment. That's it...and years later my life turned around into joy. Hopefully that helps you a little bit,..I understand that feeling of pain and I sincerely wish you comfort and inner peace.