You seem to be in such a bad place right now. There isn't a medication that will make it right and your T certainly is not able to help you adequately when you get to this bad place.

That really sucks and I feel so sorry for you that you seems to have no option except to suffer.

Prayer, meditation, you already exercise and eat right. You need a miracle -hope you find one. I am frequently in a bad place too- unfortunately I use alcohol and narcotics to temporarily lift my spirits. None of my docs are stupid enough to give me benzos- they know I'd just abuse them- just as you do.

Good luck in your search.