Hi. This might seem a bit silly, but I didn't really know where else to go.

I am a young woman in my twenties who, as far as I can tell, is comfortable with being a woman. I define myself as a woman, even though I was quite the tomboy when I was younger I always have and I love wearing dresses etc. But, I do have some serious problems with the female gender role. I consider myself a feminist and is not really interested in a discussion about gender issues or which gender is worst off (I hate that discussion, meaningless and founded on wrong premises on all sides). I just want to talk about my personal experiences and it how it seems to bother me much more than others around me.

Okay, back to it. As I said, I define myself as a woman and for the most part, I feel good about it. But, I am bothered by gender roles. I have always been an "alpha female", outgoing and frank, not afraid to speak my mind. I feel people reacting differently to me because I am a woman if I front certain views, or I notice them speaking to me differently. This just goes for a few people, but it's enough to annoy me. Socially, though, being a woman isn't really a problem in this day and age (although people much easier call a woman a ***** for standing up for herself than they would a man doing the same thing). The only real issues I have with these gender roles, is when it comes to flirting and dating.

I hate the double-standards, that men who sleep with many are idolized by younger boys and that it's considered normal, while if a woman sleeps with many her value is lowered in the eyes of both men and women, they use deragoratory language and talks badly about the girl. I have many times, at parties and stuff, spoken my mind about how I feel about that double standard when it becomes evident, for instance if a boy and a girl leave together, and people are like high-fiving him and saying it's cool, and some people call the girl "easy" or "a slut". This way of thinking is perpetuated throughout our entire culture and also by parents and teachers who probably are well-meaning, talking about what's "appropriate" for boys and girls.

The thing is, this annoys me so much that it also inhibits me from doing what I want. I don't want anyone to call me easy or slutty, and I wouldn't want a guy to see me as just some chick he brought home, a number on a list, to belittle me in his mind. The thought of it repulses me so much that I sometimes abstain from random sexual encounters. I have had them, certainly, but not if we haven't talked and connected for the entire night first, not if I don't feel that he sees me as an interesting person and values me for more than my sexuality. And, in that case I like to be the one to initiate the sex, to feel that I am in control and not being used in any way. I have never went anywhere with an intention of having sex, though, it's just something that sort of can happen if the night turns out a certain way and the interest/spark is there, which takes some getting to know each other to find out. Thus, I also never look at a random guy and think of him in a sexual way.

I am afraid that the thought that most men, especially the very flirty ones, are just out to get some and couldn't care less about with whom, has become almost an obsession for me. I have girlfriends who are like that too, by all means, and I don't like it any more when they do it, but it's not something that affect me personally. But, I have so many problems with this and the whole flirting/sex culture that I sort of shut down. I either appear almost asexual, never showing any interest, just talking to people (which is, after all, why I go to a party - not to get laid, as seems the goal for some people) and then going home when all is said and done, or I can even get aggressive when someone tries to flirt with me. It's like I see them as bad people for trying because I think that they are just out to get laid. Maybe they are, and I know it's not really a bad thing, but it bothers me a lot. It's like - I think that if I were a man, they would not be flirty with me if they wanted to get to know me, they would just talk normally and show interest in me as a person. I think sub-consciously I therefore think that people who flirt with me, because I am a woman and they are a man, do not respect me enough. It probably sounds weird to anyone who doesn't have those thoughts. I find the entire sex and flirting culture nowadays almost de-humanizing, people almost treat each other like prostitutes, someone they're just into for sex and don't have any regards for. I know that if someone flirts with you they might just be nice, or might be interested in more than just getting in your pants, but this has as I said become almost an obsession for me. It's a problem because I could potentially turn away several great guys who are interested in getting to know me better.

I don't mind casual sex if, as I mentioned, there's been established a connection and a spark, and I think all dating rules are incredibly stupid (wait until third date before you have sex, don't call for a certain number of days, don't talk about this and that) and just limit us. So I'm not particularly conservative in any way. But, I think there's just a part of me that wants people to be interested in me for ME, not because I am a woman and they are attracted to women, that gender/sex shouldn't really matter. That either they are interested in me or they are not. I wish these thoughts didn't bother me so, because I like flirting sometimes if it's not done with any strings or expectations, I like "seducing" a man so to speak and being in charge of where I want the night to go. So this might be an issue of control, of flirting making me feel not in control or something, I don't know. Either way, the result is that my sex life doesn't really get anywhere if I'm not in a relationship. Now, for instance, I have not had sex for 8 and a half months. It's not a libido issue, I have a strong libido and don't mind having "sex with myself" on a regular basis (I do that while in relationships aswell, it's healthy for everyone to do it, men and women, in my opinion). I get sexually aroused etc., so I'm in no way asexual. I just sort of... disapprove of the entire flirting culture and therefore feel that I would condone it, or be a part of it, if I slept with people. I'm getting really sexually frustrated now but still can't get myself to NOT act this way any time I get in these kinds of situations, any advice?