Thanks everyone for your welcomes. Its so reassuring to know that others are reaching out to you. It means alot to me. I went to therapy today , it was kinda difficult because I had a hard weekend here. I didn't want to live because of something that happened to me. I have had a few episodes like that the past few months, not feeling like I have much to look forward to.But a couple of my friends and my husband helped me see that little light at the end of the tunnel and I think I am on the right track again. At least I hope so. I had told my T about my weekend. He keeps encouraging me to use the hotline but I just feel funny about doing that. Something about I dont feel comfortablespeaking about this happening , like I am ashamed of it. He is getting more and more worried about me cause each time I try, I take an extra step towards it. He wanted me to promise that I would tell myself to say if this is what I want wait till tomorrow, and keep doing that till I hopefully lose the thought. I told him I would try, but no promises, cause I will not make a promise I cannot keep. Why is it that I try so hard to shut myself down from others when I feel this way? The only thing I can come up with is that I want to keep them from my hurting them. I dont' try to but when I shut down like that I do tend to say hurtful things. It gets scarey for all involved I think..Well I guess that is it for now. Take care all~ T2bme