I went out saturday night. Never go out. Went too see a band with hubbys friends. Normally in crowds I feel a sense of discomfort. Never been able to pinpoint the discomfort. Just thought it was a fear of people. But saturday night I sat looking around at faces, and a book that T has on her shelf, "A Secure Base" kept coming in my mind, followed by mental image of me running back to T and then working my way back into life from there. Suddenly the fear of people, and the fear off Who am I, vanished.

Told this to T today adn she said I wonder if it wasn't the arbituary way you were adopted that you have unconsiouisly been fearing ?? That I may be given away again to Just anyone, any ole how. Thats exactly how my adoption took place. I was just given to anyone any old how.

I said YES! thats it! T asked how it felt having her as a secure base? I said it feels good!, It feels like I can start all over again! she asked how that felt? I said that is good, some people dont get the chance to start again.

I told her also how last week, my fantasy of her rocking and holding me changed. In my fantasy I went to her and held her. She asked me what I felt this meant? I said that I am begining to admit I have a need to be loved by you, she said yes and also instead of just accepting her care, I am now turning to her also!

Yes!