Last time I saw my pdoc, he was running about 45 minutes behind on his appointments. Waiting is one of the things that seriously raises my anxiety. So, by the time I saw him, I was very dissociated. He doesn't know me as well as my T and I'm not sure he picked up on it. I basically went in, told him everything was fine, he gave me an updated script, and I left. I just couldn't stand to be there. Don't get me wrong, my pdoc is absolutely awesome - I couldn't have asked for a better one. He listens to me, is conservative with meds, explains things well, is compassionate, and works very well with my T. I just was not able to deal with being in his office that particular day. I have a rather severe phobia about doctors, and while it's less with my pdoc than other doctors, it still is present.

So, two weeks ago, my T asked me to move up my next appointment with my pdoc. She was very concerned with some things that have been going on with me and felt that it would be good to involve my pdoc as well. I had already come to that conclusion on my own, so I did contact pdoc's office and ask for the next available appointment that would work with my schedule. Two weeks later, and it's time to go see him. And I'm totally freaking out about it. I have to trust someone I don't know super well, and who is a doctor, with some very private things and I'm terrified of it. I'm scared that he'll suggest something more is going on than just the extreme anxiety he first diagnosed. I had strong suicidal urges for about a week, then strong suicidal thoughts for a good two weeks. This was followed by a few hours of this amazing, peaceful feeling, and now I'm going through a phase where I can't sleep, am barely eating, and I'm anxious and irritable. As I look back on my own history, I realize I've felt like this before, but it's always been partially masked by the overwhelming anxiety I always felt. Now that the anxiety is better controlled, I'm noticing the other stuff, and it's frightening and frustrating!

I want to see pdoc and get help with this. I don't want to see pdoc because I don't want to talk to him about it. I promised my T that I would tell pdoc everything that's going on...she said she'd do it if I absolutely could not, but that she felt it would be best if I could talk to him myself. I will do it, but I'm scared and frustrated, and just don't want to!!!!