I think the only childish part is the hurt part that says you're not worthwhile, that you shouldn't have your feelings and that your struggle is unreasonable.

Hugs.

Everything you wrote sounds perfectly reasonable and very common to me. Lots and lots of clients feel exactly like you after breaks, I do. The breaks highlight the unusual nature of the relationship, make it harder to take in the caring, easier for defenses to go back up, and to question whether it's worth going back as we realize how hard it is to always be in self-examination mode.

You did great. And you did great posting about it here while he was gone. For you to be able to say so much after such a huge break is impressive. I hope next session is easier, as you deserve.