I know for myself; when I am abusive in the way of cutting etc; its a cry for help. I know some were confused about what I was saying about injury; that I cause. Someone asked if my t dealt with SI much. Actually she does. She deals a lot with suicide as well. We have developed a relationship over the past two years and spent many many hours talking. When I start doing self abusive behaviors; its a warning sign; that I will go futher. Not with the cutting; along the lines of overdose. That is just my past history.
I do cut as a release but it ends up not being enough as a release. Everyone is different. Some do it for the release; not to die. Nor do I. Its a temperary release until its not enough. I am not sure if I make any sense. I hope I explain this okay. Thats why I said she is very concerned with the cutting; I always end up doing something life threatening. Last time; I was taking tylenol everyday; like 20 a day. My thought was, eventually my liver and kidneys will shut down and nobody would think it was suicide. But that was a dumb thought. I eventually broke down and told her what I was doing; of course I had very high levels of acetaminophen in my body. It effected my liver function. I had done this before a couple of times.
The first time I was really sick and my family doc; where i used to live; knew something was wrong. I had seen him many times in a course of a few weeks with other problems. I had gone in most of those times with bruises from my husband. I made excusses all the time. The day that I actually broke down in his office was when I took my son in because he had an ear infection. I looked sick and he knew I needed help. That was the first time I was admitted to hospital. That was when I first started to cut. I would wear long sleeves or cut on my chest so know one would see.
So this is why I am cutting right now; I am looking for this release because I know that I am struggling to stay; "together". I am trying not to go futher; and like I have said before; with my kids here, I will not commit suicide. I would never do that no matter how deperate I got. Thats why the cutting. I am trying to get through until my kids go to dads.
This may be hard to understand and thats okay. Doesnt always make that much sense to me. lol. Anyway that is what self injury is for me. I am scared to death. Part of me wants to find the peace but I also want life as well. Thats probably the good thing. There are times when I feel totally hopeless and its a good thing my kids are here. It will prevent me from going to far. Then I think; well what about them? How would they feel if mom killed herself? It is so hard because I convince myself that they would be better without me; then I convince myself otherwise. Its a battle in my mind. Stupid one. Clarity; where did it go? And how do I find it? This doctor thing that happened; did not help matters. I am going to try to talk to him and say sorry. But I will let him know that he did not give me much of a chance to explain. I think we both had a little to do with the no communication part. I can accept that I screwed up and I will deal with the consequences. So if he does not want to be my doc; thats fine; I just need to explain why I did what I did. But I should not have hung up; it did not help at all. I am not one to do that; its rude and disrespectful. I can not believe I did such a thing. I surprised myself. I am just so darn emotional, I cant handle the confrontation part of things. So here goes another day. I will see what I can fix now. Cause I do want help. Or I would not be writing this; right.
I lose that light sometimes but I am really trying to keep it light in this mind of mine. Is dark most of the time. sucky.
justme