I'm finding I'm having a really hard time figuring out what to do with myself. I go back to my T on Wednesday after discussing that I am likely bipolar last week for the first time. I've mainly been on the depression boards since I joined PC - didn't ever associate my non-depressed times with hypomania (had no idea what that was, actually).

For the past week, I've been obsessed with being on PC. I'm really anxious, and I feel like I'm looking for something on here that will calm me down or help me out of this hole, but I'm not finding it, so I keep looking and looking. I'd say I spend several hours on here every day over the last week, checking and re-checking to see either what's new or where I haven't looked yet.

And when I'm not on here, I'm obsessing in my mind about my past and trying to figure out if I can identify non-bipolar states versus hypomanic. I have such horrible memory anyway, that I can't recall a whole lot to go off other than the hypo states. I remember the highs of feeling like I'm so into a lot of different things, and I'm going to get it all done, impulsively buying lots of things for these projects, etc. - but I don't have a lot of memories of being 'in the middle' so to speak. The only time my brain isn't consumed with this is when I'm doing something that has to get done (dinner for kids, for example, or work meetings sometimes), and I spend those times extremely agitated and unfocused, too - or when I'm watching a movie (total escapism, except I'm picking a lot of depressing movies right now...death of loved ones, etc.).

How do I get my mind off this loop!?!? I usually only feel this agitated mind state where I can't stop my thoughts when I'm not depressed. I've been seriously depressed for a few months now, though, and I can't get my brain to let go of this topic. It's making me crazy(/ier).