I go between not eating for days to having one meal. I feel so yucky after eating that I purge it. I do not binge, I never really did. I eat mostly healthy things and it still bothers me. When I do eat; purge; I feel like I did not get rid of it; thats when the laxatives come in. I can't understand how my body can still function. I dont eat much and when I do about 75% of the time I purge it. I live off of coffee and cigs. I barely drink anything either than coffee. I sleep all of 2 or 3 hrs a night; with the exception of a half decent one every now and again. How can my body deal with this. I am dizzy all of the time. If I am sitting down, I cant get up fast or I will hit the floor. I have fallen over into things; good thing they were there. Sometimes my eyes even get blurry, I cant focus. I am not driving if I dont have to especially with the kids in the car. I worry about passing out and hurting someone else. I get my boyfriend to drive me as much as possible. I feel guilty because he knows about my behavior with eating. He has tried to talk to me about it and I close him out. I dont want to talk to him about it. He bugged me all night while he was home to eat something. I just said no thanks. Its not fair to him but I cant stop. I am pushing everyone away from me.
My mom was so mean last night. She phoned to talk to my daughter and she was out getting a movie with my boyfriend. We started to talk and she asked how I was feeling. I said not the best. She said she did not want to talk to me. She totally shut me out. So why the heck did she ask then? She is mad because apparently my daughter told her that she felt sad because she is overweight. My daughter has struggled with this for a long time. I have taken her to a dietician and followed recommendations; but its not working. I am going to try to talk to her dad and see if he can step in as well. She will be at dads soon so he needs to try to help her too. So anyway, my mom is mad because I am lighter than my daugter. My clothes wont fit her. She is only ten. It breaks my heart. Before my mom hung up she said, "guess I should go on your kind of diet." And that was it, she wont talk to me now. She knew about my eating disorder in the past, but she wont talk to me about it now. She knows but is angry with me. I left a message for her to call but she wont. Lately she only calls to talk to my daughter and my dad, well he has already told me that I dont belong to him. Fine. I wish I could tell her how I feel and how hard it is to stop doing this. If I tell her that I am feeling this way; she will disown me. Last time; she yelled and screamed at me, told me that they raised me better than to be an emotional wreck. I need to be strong and stop with the depression. My parents are the ones that threw away my meds when I was a teenager. They dont accept mental illness. My mom can be wonderful sometimes but other times I would love to tell her where to go and how to get there. I love her dearly but her lack of understanding bothers me. I dont understand though; my cousin commited suicide a while back and she understood that. Maybe its because I am her kid. My parents have made comments in front of others putting me down because I am the "black sheep" of the family. The crazy one. Guess they are right.
anyway done babbling. just needed to vent.
justme