Hello! I am new to these forums, so it is possible these emotional topics have been discussed before.

I am a woman nearing my mid-20s. I am rather outgoing, I have plenty of friends and a big family which loves me. I haven't ever really had a problem getting to know new people and I am good at smalltalk, and so forth. I am not afraid to speak my mind or go into debates about anything from the goings-on of life, books or TV shows to national or global politics or even philosophy. I would assume that to most people, I appear very social and well-adjusted. I have never really been afraid to express myself and have had several people telling me they admire that about me, particularly people who are quite shy.

Compared to most people, I am extremely lucky. I have grown up and live in one of the richest countries on the planet. I am surrounded by people who care about me, I am pursuing the career I always dreamt of, even with pretty much success, this far. I am aware of all of this, and I am extremely grateful. I am in no way a religious woman, so I am not grateful to a God or an abstract force; but I am grateful to my parents who brought me into this world. I am grateful that coincidentally, this was where I was born and this is where I live, a beautiful, prosperous country.

I know all of this, and even though I am grateful for it, and feel like I have nothing I should complain about, I still feel so incredibly alone. It is hard to explain. I am (maybe wrongfully) assuming that this is a normal feeling. I used to think love was finding the person who would make you stop feeling lonely. Now I think love is finding a person who understands that you're lonely and who is lonely with you, in your own way. In Norwegian, loneliness is translated to "ensomhet". En means one. There is a word here, which I love, called "tosomhet". It is the same, only "en" is switched for "to", which means two. Roughly speaking it means being lonely together.

Sorry for this distraction. I have an ugly tendency of writing way too long posts.

Either way, the point is that I do feel alone. I am no one's first choice. I suppose that is in a way the curse of having several friends. I have for years had very many good friends, but no BEST friend. No person for whom it would be natural to come to me first, to call me first.

I sometimes feel like I sit alone in my apartment, watching tv shows on Netflix or cleaning or reading, eating dinner for one yet again, while no one calls or texts. Not even during weekends. Sometimes, maybe, if it's a group get-together, a dinner or going out for a drink. But, most of the time, unless I initiate, I don't really have plans. Unless I send that text or make that call. And even then, most of the time, the answer I get is that people have plans or are working or whatever. And even though I know it is patethic, I am a grown woman after all, not a child; it still hurts. It hurts seeing all (and I mean ALL, I can only think of very few people I know who are single and none of them are my closest friends) my friends finding great persons to be with, to see them go out on dates and family dinners and even moving in together. I am happy for them, but it still hurts a bit, because I know that their loved one always comes first. I have a close relationship with several of my friends, some of whom I've virtually known my entire life, and we can talk about literally anything. But I rarely meet them alone, we're usually a group of at least three, often their significant other is there, then they always leave early (that's one of the most annoying couple habits there is). So I have lots of friends, and we can talk, but even so I feel alone.

I have always felt a bit different than my friends. I know it's a cliché, but I always felt a bit like an older person stuck in the body of a youth. Sure, I love being childish, I love to go out for a drink, I enjoy festivals, concerts etc. But I always preferred a pub and a conversation to a night club, always preferred Dylan, Joplin, Beatles, Rolling Stones and Leonard Cohen to Rihanna or Lady Gaga or whichever music people my age have listened to (this also went for when I was younger, teenager etc., not just now). I have always preferred books to movies. I don't mind spending a saturday at my parents' place watching TV. I enjoy parties with close friends, but I like a dinner party just as much. I was active in politics for many years when I was younger, there I found many people I connected with. Now I no longer do that, not only because it's not compatible with my line of work but also because I outgrew it, and it has just outlined for me how different I feel. It's common for me to sit at a table with friends and acquaintances, listening to the chat, and still feeling entirely alone, almost like I was watching the table from a distance and I just sorta stood out from the crowd.

Finally reaching the end now, sorry for the blabbering. I am hopeless at writing short texts. The point is, I am pretty sure everyone feels like this, also people who, like me, appear to have a very full and social life. Sometimes it brings me almost on the verge of depression, and I wonder that if I just locked my doors and stayed indoors for weeks, would anyone notice? I know there are very many people who care about me, but their lives are so busy. And that bothers me, that makes me feel incredibly alone.

Does anyone have any advice for dealing with these feelings? How to cope, apart from binge watching TV shows while waiting for someone to answer the texts I've sent out asking to do something together? I don't want to be naggy, but I already feel like I almost am as I take most of the initiative, particularly for one-on-one-meetings instead of group get-togethers. To me, that translates to: People want to meet me and be with me, but it's natural for them to meet me as part of a group of friends. Not as natural to do something with just ME. And that makes me feel less valued as anything else than filling a role in a group, so to speak.