Cashart10 you sound like you are in a lot of pain. I'm sorry you've been suffering with and struggling with these sui feelings/thoughts.

I have found sui thoughts to have changed from the time I was a teenager to now. Then they were much more immediate, overwhelming, all encompassing and intense, but I *knew* at the time that I didn't really want to do it and I wouldn't do it. More recently, sui feelings are less intense but seem more... almost reasonable... like I could do it and it would make sense. But when I am feeling well on my meds and employ cognitive techniques, parenting skills (parenting happens to be my particular trigger) and am connected to my husband and supports, I don't feel like sui.

One part of this picture involves building a story for yourself of what you want your life to be like. It is difficult to build a life... sometimes you don't know what the next stage of life will bring, what it will look like, what you want from it. Sometimes we have to suffer through that discomfort until we figure out what gives us meaning. Sometimes it takes a long time to get to that sweet spot.

Hang in there, it's a journey.