Oh, guys... ALL of you are so incredibly, incredibly kind to post such uplifting words. You're the best all of you... I cannot thank you enough. Here on PC, I feel safe sharing even the stuff I keep from everybody else, because even if I am upset by what I post, I know it'll be okay to just let it out with you all. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

As to some of your inquiries...
The wierdest part: the last thing on earth that I want is for somebody to discover my SI, which is why I'm hiding it as best I can. My conscious self knows that this method is ineffective, but subconsciously I think it holds more weight.

I've taken the sanity score test: my score was 105, if I remember correctly.

The problem with my brain and the way it works is that I've wired myself into this vicious cycle (which I finally managed to pin down today, thanks to some soul-searching brought on more than just a little by all of your compassion) that goes something like this, in it's most watered-down form:

Used to be "unique", "special", "outstanding", etc. without really trying-->As work required to maintain being "special" increased, emotional maturity fell behind (possibly caused in part by "abusive" relationship)-->grades began to fall, other symptoms (anxiety, possible ADD, depression) cropped up-->mediocrity/failure-->hopelessness, "I can't" attitude about life, extremely low self-esteem-->anxiety over/inibility to do work-->mediocrity/failure-->hopelessness, "I can't" attitude...

The bolded stuff is the actual cycle, the other stuff is what I think led up to it. One of my biggest problems, I think, is that I know EXACTLY what is going on inside my head--I have no place to hide from myself or why I'm doing what I'm doing. That hurts a lot, sometimes.

Again, THANK YOU ALL SOOOOOO MUCH for your kindness!!! I can't express how much I appreciate all of your words and encouragements.
luck, love&many thanks,
~muse