I was talking about... some difficult things in therapy Friday. Got briefly suicidal, got over that after a while, but am still feeling very anxious and shaky, four or five days later. Sometimes I just need time to settle I guess. I have PTSD, I think it makes settling harder, as does being short on sleep and having a lot of present day work to do, so it's hard to... focus, relax, recuperate. I wrote my therapist about it last night. I told her what I was trying to combat it, focusing away from it, doing relaxing things, change of scenery, mindfulness, visualizations, and old standbys like comfort food, etc. Some things help... but... don't stick.

First she misunderstood me and thought I was anxious I didn't hear back from her, so I let her know that wasn't it, I just wasn't feeling well and was trying to throw myself into other things, but it was hard to shake. So, she sent me the song link to Hakuna Matata, sigh. Feels dismissive, like here just rinse your brain out with this, good luck! I let her know I was discouraged and not sure what to ask for: that the only thing I remember helping when it got so bad was having her walk me through an anti-anxiety exercise, but I won't be having a session til Friday, so that's not an option. I told her too, darn it, that if she was trying to tell me to just accept it and be patient, that she could just tell me that. She didn't reply, not sure why, but could very well have been because it was late, though she was listed as online/working.

I wish I hadn't said that in retrospect, but... if you tell someone you feel so awful and they send you a cartoon song link, sigh, it just didn't work. It might've worked, but I can't just be snapped out of it right now. I tried not to sound combative writing back: took me three or four tries, and I gave myself a C+ on my attempt.

And I guess that's why I'm upset. I'm not just snapping out of it. Am I just wallowing, I don't know. Can't I just try harder to ignore it and throw myself into other things. Or should I sit and accept the feeling. I can manage that with most feelings, sit and let them be, but the anxiety... it's a killer. I can't sit with the feeling of not being able to breathe, of shaking. I'm trying. I don't know if I'm making it worse by mentioning it, or if I should just ignore it. Sometimes, when it's this bad, I just want someone near by to... talk me through it? I don't know... help me calm down. But I'm really alone, there's no one like that right now.

It's such a war to decide whether to push her to get it and help me more or to be upset and retreat for a while or what. It's alright... anxiety won't kill me! I don't know why I'm writing this: maybe some anti-anxiety guru will have magic words for me. HA. I need the right mantra and I don't know it. I get stuck feeling anxious and sometimes it's hard to get unstuck. (And I'm on deadline! I have three things I should be doing right this minute, and none of them is writing this, ha.)

Why am I even anxious, I hardly know anymore. I should maybe be telling myself things are alright. It just gets so hard to concentrate.