I really just need someone to listen. I've probably spent probably 5 hours a day just doing my checking rituals (which involves looking up pretty much everything on Google) for the past couple of weeks. I'm losing out on time spent with the people I care about. I'm probably going to be late to my job training because I'm sitting in a Subway on my phone, going back through searches and meticulously picking then apart, making sure there's no search results related to my fear (which is encountering child pornography online). Sometimes i need to do my checks multiple times. A lot of time I'll have to look up the suggestions Google brings up, too, and then I need to pick those apart. And the worst is the couple of times I have stumbled upon bad things -- I feel awful and nauseous thinking about it. This is stealing my life and my sanity. My compulsions are uncontrollable at this point. I feel physically sick. I've lost all desire to live, not in a suicidal way, but in a "I want to lock myself in a room and never, ever leave" way (and I'm normally an extrovert). If anyone has advice, please give it to me. I've never felt so helpless.