Therapy 101, and I don't feel that I genuinely understand it properly. I thought it was essentially all manner of ways a client blocks the therapist's efforts, and I guess it is that, but it's too general a definition.

My therapist said I'm resistant, and I know this in my heart of hearts, but I can't figure out what I'm doing that's actively resisting, and I don't even know what it is that I'm resisting. I tell her I love her (in written form more, but say it also) and tell her when I feel utterly vile and suicidal, and in the past I've been very vocal about feeling worthless. So I don't hold back with 'big' stuff.

The stuff I don't say much of is the stuff about feeling deep sadness about the fact she can never be my sister, and the sidekick embarrassment that goes along with that. That I love somebody so much who loves me, but much less. I did talk a bit about this at the weekend session, because I wanted to forget about attachment stuff but then we agreed that attachment stuff wouldn't just go away by itself. So we talked about it, and I said it all quite bluntly, but I was quite poised and in control - is that a subtle way of resisting? Not embracing the sad feelings in the moment??

I feel like I can't let my therapist see me when I'm completely upset, over that or anything else. I can tell her in a careless sort of way, or in a very collected way when I have my emotions in check, but I can't allow myself to go to the place where I am dissolved into upset. Is that resistance too?

I can feel very distressed in the session, but put loads of energy into making sure it doesn't boil over.

Of course, the wheels fell off the bus later in the weekend for me anyway when I had my sui crisis, and it didn't really feel like it was to do with my session (I felt in a reasonably upbeat place at my last point of contact with my T before she went off radar for her weekend) but perhaps there was a small link.

Any clues? I want to get the most out of my sessions, and if I'm resistant forever it will all be slow.