I'm sorry I don't have anything more to offer than this observation: a lot of the time you write about a relationship repeating pattern, to the extent that I think you've chosen (not completely deliberately/consciously) to hold onto that pattern, to let it repeat.

You get something out of the pattern and I think maybe you'll need to realize all the benefits you get from it before you can stop resisting change. I think a part of you wants the cycle to continue, whether it's because it's familiar or easy or keeps your hopes from getting too high.

This weekend during your crisis I saw a little hint of that: you mention friends but couldn't possibly consider telling them how bad you were feeling, which we can call resistance to getting better, because we can't do it in isolation, and we can't really have good friends if we're not honest with people. Not saying to dump everything on everyone all the time of course, but to... see what we're getting out of what we're doing. The safety and everything else, and honor and respect it before trying to just obliterate it, or we'll be working at cross purposes.