Today I went to go see yet another psychiatrist. To my surprise I actually feel like I can connect with her. Finally, I am feeling some hope to overcoming my disorders.

However, she wants me on a lot of medicine. I'm nervous and feeling a bit uncomfortable. One by one I am regimented to go on a mood stabilizer (I believe starts with a D), an anti depressant, and something to alleviate the nightmares.

I struggle with PTSD and dissociation. I thought I have tried everything; a number of therapist, reading remedies to gain knowledge, even a holistic approach through yoga, meditation, auyvedia, and accupressure. Although it helped ease some symptoms, I'm coming to a low point in my disorder. I'm losing motivation for anything. Literally the day passes me by and I don't know what I've done with myself.
I find myself saying "i just want to be normal again" and truth is, I don't know why I keep saying that? I have never been normal. I was born into a home that was chaotic and violent (not toward me). This lead me to my own abusive relationships. Countless sexual assaults, which lead me to be a professional sex operating robot/therapist for the last 7 years of my life. Truthfully, my work has been one of the only constants/ stable aspects of my life "growing up".
But so many years of blocking trauma and feelings have left me with the feeling of "who the h*** am I?" I tried to take my life earlier this year. I block my feelings out so much that I had no idea I was even suicidal?

I feel like the first 22 years of my life have been a huge car crash. The last 4 of trying to "heal" myself and dealing with the aftermath have been the worst part.

Does anyone else have similar symptoms? How do you deal? Is it ever cured?

Medicine was sort of my last resort, but I need relief. i can't keep using illegal drugs to cope. Did anyone else feel the same nervousness of starting medicine?

Thanks for any help or taking the time to read and relate. I wrote a bit more then I thought I would