Hi, I'm new to PC and was referred to this specific forum in my introductory post. However, I'm not sure I belong here and I don't want to feel as if I'm intruding. So I have a few questions.

First of all, I have never had a formal PTSD diagnosis. It has been suggested to me by a few people I know who do suffer from PTSD that I may as well, but I would rather not jump to conclusions. I know that nobody here can diagnose me either, but perhaps you can judge whether it would be appropriate for me to participate in this subforum.

TRIGGER WARNING: What follows contains content that may be triggering to survivors of abuse and rape. I will try not to be too graphic but if reading about my experience will cause you harm please do not read on.

7 years ago I was homeless and dealing already with a lot of psychological issues, including substance abuse. One night a co-worker offered me a place to stay for the night and after much protesting I reluctantly accepted the offer. His brother and a friend were there and we all got very intoxicated (all of us drinking and smoking weed, additionally I was taking barbituates for migraines at the time, which when combined with alcohol often causes blackouts or extreme intoxication). The co-worker fell asleep and his brother and friend decided to have their way with me as I was too messed up to move or talk but was still mostly aware. This was my first experience with sexual assault but unfortunately was not the last. Trying to numb myself of the pain and shake the memories of this incident that plagued me almost constantly, I wound up addicted to heroin. When I finally wrenched myself from the grasp of the needle, I found myself in NA, where one of the first friends I made decided to have sex with me in my sleep. When I woke up I just pretended to still be sleeping because I was so scared of what might happen if I fought back, so I just stayed still and silent and went away in my mind. Soon after, I got into a relationship that turned out to be 2 years of a waking nightmare. Emotional/mental, physical and sexual abuse, and thanks to his tactics of isolating me I had no support system at all. It was a time of utter terror, confusion and torture and basically felt like a panic attack that lasted for 2 years.

So ever since the first incident, and much more so since the abusive relationship, I have intense, physical and emotional reactions to mention or reminder of either rape or domestic abuse. I get very frightened, dizzy, nauseous, my heart races and palms sweat, I feel like I might faint or puke, sometimes my vision or hearing blurs, I can't speak. Sometimes my mind goes totally blank, I feel numb and I just space out completely, often for no apparent reason. Sometimes I hear their voices, or see them, sometimes I feel like I am back in that place. I will see a scene replay in my head over and over. Sometimes I feel like everything that has happened since is just a figment of my imagination, a dying woman's dream so to speak, like nothing is real and eventually I will come to to find myself still in that situation. It doesn't help that sometimes things feel really weird to me, like they aren't real. I have dreams about it.

The reaction is even worse when someone says something that is critical of rape survivors, or suggests we are responsible. Or my abusive ex used to (in addition to acting out his own assaults) intentionally stir up memories of mine and get a similar reaction. Basically I completely flip out. Like, total blind rage to the point where sometimes I literally black out. Once a former coworker made a comment to the effect of "girls ask for it when they dress a certain way." I remember standing up and saying "f*** you!" The next thing I remember is being in the bathroom shaking with red scraped up knuckles from punching a wall. Apparently I also threatened to kill the guy in rather creative ways... Luckily my HR department was relatively understanding.

So basically that is what I have been struggling with, to varying degrees, for the past 7 years. I am pretty certain these memories will never be pleasant. But ideally I would like to reach a point where they don't haunt me anymore, where I can talk to other survivors without falling into a flashback or having what feels like a panic attack. Again I am not asking for a diagnosis but does it sound like I belong in or could benefit from this specific community? Other than the grounding techniques that is at the top, is there anything any of you have found to be genuinely helpful? Thanks in advance.