I think - at least for me - grief replaced love.

I was afraid (still am) to let go and find peace. What would I have?

To me (my dad died a month after I turned 10) if I experienced happiness, I must not have loved him. Grief meant love. If I felt the emotional and physical pain of his loss - I was still feeling him. At least that's how my kid head thought.

I spent a considerable amount of my life wrapped up in grief. Not just for him, but other family members as well. I didn't know anything else. I didn't know how to hold onto the love.