Thank you so much both of you.

Teacake I agree that diagnosis is not really important except to determine what to do with it. And I am very frightened of psych meds as my only experiences with them (lexapro and seraquel) were intensely negative. I want to feel better but I don't want to lose my personality and sense of self in the process. Anyway I can't afford to see a doctor so it is unlikely I will get any diagnosis or professional help of any kind any time soon. And yes you are right, I was definitely not mentally well before I was traumatized or got on drugs.

I really appreciate the welcoming, I was really scared to post in here in case I wasn't welcome. I don't know how strict the rules are as far as who can post where and I get very anxious about being places I don't "belong."

I definitely hope you are right. I want to climb up but I just don't know how. I have to hope that one day I can though because without that hope I would just want to die.