Been having a very rough past few days. After three days of starting Lamictal, my depression symptoms suddenly got much worse, with heavy suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. Been tracking my moods/patterns past three weeks and have slept 12-16 hours a day except for 3 days where I got either 2, 4, or 10 hours. Concerned my tdoc who suggested I call pdoc to increase Lamictal to 50mg sooner, to which pdoc agreed. Developed red one inch weal on arm, slightly raised, slightly itchy. Looked up Lamictal rash pictures and it looks the same, but it's just one spot, not spread everywhere, so waiting out til Friday til I see pdoc again to get his opinion.
All hell broke loose at school... found out a class I need to graduate with my music minor is full and they can't make room because of budget cuts, so now trying to finagle something with department heads. The class was a piano trio (I'm a pianist), and it was really the only thing I was truly looking forward to this semester as it was such an amazing stress release last semester. Very angry, disappointed and sad it's not going to happen again. Trying to finish an overdue paper and got nothing done today because of all the drama at school sapping what little energy I had.
Topped it off with a friend who's never been depressed and does not have BP suggesting that I eat more regularly to help my depression-induced hypersomnia, because "it seems so much like [her] jet lag, and that really helps [her] jet lag improve." Calmly (but barely) explained that hypersomnia has always been a function of my depression, that coming out of depression is the only way to fix it, and that I have no appetite and force myself to eat, but thanks for the suggestion, really appreciate the concern. Really disappointed in her, I know she means well, but she's a psych major like I am and should really know better than to think jet lag and major depression remotely function in the same way, much less the depressive episodes of bipolar. If eating regularly could "cure" depression, pretty freaking sure that would have been figured out by now.
Sorry this is so long... I haven't been on here in a few days because I've been so down I haven't had the energy, but I really needed to vent. Spouse is minimally supportive today, getting upset about inane things after I explained how horrible my day was. Really pissed me off even more.
Feeling alone and hating the suicidal thoughts, and also having thoughts of self-harming which I haven't had in a long time and haven't done in over ten years. I just want to cry but I can't, feel so hollow and numb, like a total disappointment... to whom, I don't know... but I feel like graduating with my BA at 29 is an embarassment, even though I had to fight through major depressions, a major car accident, PTSD, loss of various family and friend support, and bipolar to get here. I should be proud of myself but I feel like I'm a failure. I know it's my depression lying to me, but it's getting the best of me today. Just hoping I can find a way to scrape the joy out of tomorrow.
I just wish I could cry and let it all come out, but it just won't, like a rusty nut that won't loosen no matter how hard you pull on the wrench. Just trying to breathe. I really hope tomorrow is better because I don't know how much more I can take getting piled on right now. So thankful for this forum though... I have nowhere else to turn, no one else who truly understands but all you amazing people who somehow make it through each day with all your struggles too. It really gives me hope that I can make it too. Thank you all so much.
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