Hi WePow, I'm sorry you're struggling

And there doesn't have to be a reason, just as with depression..........you don't
have to have a reason to "justify" it, it's still
just as real.

Sometimes you "just" need to try and ride out the feelings as well/as far as you can. And if you can do something that might work for you to help you in that.........e.g. something to distract you, something that might replace those urges, talk to someone.............
And longer term.........well it
can get easier/better............just don't stop reaching for help/support when you need it, hey?

Alison