yes sure people are complicated. I cannot trust my own judgment anymore. and the word of a mother counts double. don't know. If I was sure about myself I wouldn't care about any words. but I am not. and there is nobody who can help me. because this is my own issue I have to resolve with myself. I don't know if I ever will.
I don't think my family ever taught me anything bad about myself. I don't remember at least. but the school bullying was really bad. I would rather blame it on that than my family that I am not so confident now. it is a long time ago and I should be over that by now. anyway I remember clearly how I had horrible dreams about being killed every night and that I had a headache every day when I went to school. that seems a lot stronger than anything negative my family has ever said to me.

Clara, it's awful that your mother said so bad things to you, too. I am so sorry. I hope it didn't keep you from doing what is right for you.

for myself I don't consider myself to be in such bad circumstances that I could complain about anything. still I am jealous of the people who have more friends and who have partners.
sometimes I wish so much that I could touch another persons hand that it makes me cry to know I cannot. and It makes me always so depressed to watch them. right now I came back from a party night in town. and I met friends that I hadn't seen for some time. and they all suddenly reappeared in my life although they had been gone for several months.
I should be happy but I am not. I saw all the happy people around me and all the couples and it made me so sad and hopeless that I can never be one of them. I am just not a part of happy normal life and I will never be. it is not meant for me to be happy with other people. I will always be the one who stands outside the crowd and watches them jealously. nobody will ever want to give me a hug. I feel so alone. and like I was some kind of monster that other people would avoid. I am so hungry for some human contact. but I think from their perspective it is disgusting and I should be ashamed and go back to my home where nobody has to see me.