I feel cheated.

Before I was in therapy with this therapist, I was ALL ABOUT the frame, I really wanted the frame, I didn't know that's what it was called - but I really wanted the expertise of a great and skilfull therapist. I wanted the therapist to be kind, to 'click' with them, but I was 100% sure that it was the mysterious combination of talent, training and experience that can make therapy-magic happen. That I'd heal myself with their guidance.

Then I started with this therapist, and suddenly I didn't care about all that. All I knew is I loved her and then I grew confident that she loved me as well, and I though 'ah, so this is therapy, this is why it works, it's basically the relationship - it's love that heals' and I ardently believe that my T is very skilled and talented too, in terms of pointing out my defences and my skewed thinking and genuinely helping me see things differently.

But now, that seems to have been wrong too, and it's back to the first idea. It's exhausting. I feel if the frame had been there in the first place I wouldn't have tripped headlong down the rabbit hole of such intense love, it might all have been less intense and more calm.

Yeah, I feel cheated. But honestly, at the same time I'd never swap the intense love that grew from the time we had zero frame, because that acts as a reference point for me. Deep down, I do know that she cares authentically, even when I feel stung and hurt and horrific.

It's confusing.