I am new here and I am sorry to start with a trigger post.. please know this is probably a significant trigger for many with dissociative disorders, so unless you are in a safe place mentally, please do not read. This Is going to be a fairly long post, so please forgive me.
Before I begin, let me tell you a little about myself. 15 years ago I started therapy for a car accident I was in... I saw a therapist who I didn't do a lot of research on and I wish I had. There is no doubt I dissociate and that I depersonalize, but he quickly dx'd me with DID and me being the pleasing person I was tried to accommodate... Long story short after 5 years of he**, I learned that I was seeing a therapist who was trying to write a book on DID and I happened to be his prime subject. He decided to move and wanted me to leave my family and move to Florida so he could continue to treat me... ummmm that was finally when I realized there was a problem.... I went to another therapist for about a year and just talked and talked and he listened and listened... end result.. I do not have DID, but I do Dissociate..... so with that being said, I stopped therapy .. now fast forward 10 years... to the present.. I was in a hunting accident and was shot in the head with a shotgun blast, I am so blessed and lucky to be alive, I have had three surgeries and have a minor TBI with some vision loss However I was fortunate to keep 99% of my cognitive function. The reason I tell you this is because it was the catalyst to get me back into therapy.... I have been seeing my new Therapist for a year and believe me I researched and researched, found someone who was in practice a long time, had excellent credentials and used evidence based practices and it has taken a year just to build my trust in her and for us just to start really doing some work...... ok now that that long ramble is over and I have given you a little bit of history.....
let me tell you about my voices... they are not personalities, they are just voices in my head. They are all male, one is the main voice he is almost like a narrator, every time I zone out, or just need a break, he is quick to keep everything together until I come back and then quickly fill in the blanks so I can keep going without missing a beat... he has been with me as long as I can remember, ever since I was a little girl. I have two other voices that started when I was 10 one hangs out on the right side of my head the other on the left... they play good guy, bad guy... one is always saying how worthless I am and the other is always defending me and motivating me to prove the other wrong.
Ok... so I know that sounds crazy, but this has been my life and my normal for many many years and they have helped me through awful times and they bring me comfort......... So here is where the Trigger begins...
My voices are gone! OMG I don't know what to do! They have been gone for about a month, I keep thinking the will come back, but they won't. I feel so lost without them. I hate being present all the time, I hate not being able to take a break or escape for a little while and not remember what happened... I just want them back so bad it hurts!
About a week after they disappeared, I had a dream.. or maybe it wasnt', I don't know but my main voice came back and told me it was time for them to leave.. as they had been created to help me deal with things that had happened until I was strong enough to deal with them on my own... and even though I don't feel strong enough, he said I am and that my current therapist is helping me and that I am on the right path to heal and even though I don't hear them any longer they will always be with me to give me strength...
Well, that sounds all nice and wonderful... but it really is awful, I feel like I have lost my best friends, it is awful! I feel empty inside and lost... I am even thinking of stopping therapy, hoping that this will bring them back... I am so lost without them... I don't know how to cope without them.. they have been with me so long! I miss them so much!
Has anyone else experienced a loss like this? If so how did you cope? Does it get better? Is it worth it? I swear all I have ever wanted to be is normal, but if this is normal... it really sucks!
