Hi everyone, sorry for what will probably me a rather long post. I've found that periodically venting everything can be a cathartic exercise. I've posted here before a long time back and received some very nice replies, not sure anyone will remember me.

At any rate where do I start? I'm a 32 year old guy with a life long history of depression, anxiety, and avoidant behaviour. My parents have enabled me like you would not believe, I live the life of a 12 year old in the body of someone almost 3 times that age. Having said that I am not entirely JUST a spoiled manchild though I tend to think that of myself. As I noted above I've been dealing with depression, social anxiety and other issues for most of my life, at least since the age of 5 or 6. It's not an exaggeration to say that it has ruined my life. I was a socially awkward child who was shy and sensitive to the point of being a raw nerve. Bullies can smell weakness of course, it emanates from those like us like a perfume. I was bullied and ostracised through most of elementary and high school and learned to keep others at an emotional arms length to prevent getting hurt. As a result to this day I've had few if any real friends, never dated and remain a virgin. It's a sad and lonely life, all the more so because internally I desperately yearn for friendship and companionship. Though I'm a thoughtful guy and far from a partier I'm actually something of a repressed extrovert, desperate for attention, validation and friendship. After graduating high-school I tried my best at university but my emotional issues came to a head and dashed those hopes, believe it or not I've dropped out of school 5 or 6 times over the past decade. In between I had a 4 year, actually rather happy period, working as an assistant manager at a 7-11 as well as a few other retail jobs. I've also had quite a few emotional blow outs, I suppose you could call them mini nervous break downs, every time I would drop out of school or quit a job. Most of these would lead to months of binge drinking and eating and other self destructive, almost semi suicidal behaviour. Luckily I have so far always managed to pick the pieces up after some months and give it another shot, though I'm beginning to wonder why I try.

There was a time believe it or not when I had aspirations for the future. I've always been considered the promising, bright, child of the family. I've always been treated as "the smart one" everywhere I go, something I rather resent now that I look back on it. I suppose there is some truth to my intelligence, I usually had a stellar track record academically, even in university when doing math or physics early on, at least for the brief periods when my emotional issues and perfectionism didn't completely overwhelm me. I've always been interested in science, math and nature, interests my father instilled in me at an early age, although I'm quite partial to many of the arts as well. I don't say any of this to brag, just to help elucidate an important fact that has informed my emotional issues. Little good any of this has done me however as to this day my interests have served as nothing but a side hobby (I never managed to get so much as a diploma despite trying several different fields) and a painful reminder of what could have been.

I have attempted to face my emotional demons. I've been on 4 or 5 different SSRIs at one time or another through the years, none of which did much but flatten me out. I've seen a series of psychiatrists and therapists to varying degrees of success, currently I'm attending some group therapy sessions. I see more promise and progress in therapy than psychiatry though either way it's been and will continue to be a painfully slow process. My life has been 5 steps forward and 4 1/2 back for what seems like the better part of 2 decades. It's exhausting and has taken its toll.

My most resent emotional escapades involve trying and quitting yet another retail job after just 4 days, it was a night time stocking job at Walmart. In my defence it was a bit of a perfect storm of negatives, otherwise I would have been able to stick it out. Still it served as yet another thing to add to the VERY long list of perceived failures in my life, though I suppose it's better that the 1 day that I lasted in the 2 previous jobs. I HAVE managed to rally back from this blow much faster than in the past however which is a good sign. I resigned properly this time instead of being just a no show and got back out handing out resumes quickly. I now have another job starting soon at a local EBGames, Gamestop in the US, it's just 1-2 days a week and min wage and who knows if I will crash and burn here to or not, but it's something.

I've come to realize that my biggest issues are a deep seated sense of self hatred, an avoidant personality (I cut and run like a *****, like no one else), and an enmeshed relationship with my parents that has allowed me to live off them and with them like a child (though I have to admit this safety net has saved my life on more than a few occasions). My sense of self esteem and negative self image could not possibly be much lower despite the fact that I know factually speaking that I have many positive qualities going for me (I'm kind hearted, and an interesting person, etc etc, but I don't really believe any of that in some ways). I spend a good portion of my days and mental energy trying to hold back the self destructive mental demons that want to eat me alive and as a result I'm perpetually running on fumes, I don't have a reserves needed to face life's slings and arrows. Heck some days I barely have enough to get through the day. Even the smallest of things can throw me for a loop and send me into a bitter, childish, self destructive pit of despair. I try not to think of the future too much, because if I do the long road ahead and view from the bottom of this valley will overwhelm me. And yet paradoxically if I'm to get out of this hole that's exactly what I need to do, plan for the future. I need to get a job, go back to school, move out of my parents house. Yet even thinking about doing any one of these things is enough to overwhelm me. Instead I make meek attempts at them, like trying time and again to do some petty retail job, while hiding at home trying to distract myself with YouTube and games so my mind doesn't eat me alive.

I honestly don't know how to escape this mental prison I'm in. I know it's one largely of my own construction, but that knowledge seems to be of little use :-(