The last day and a half has been…. not great. Long story short, last night, I went sui. Didn't go to the hospital or anything, as I was too out of it (mentally, not substance) to be an immediate danger to myself. Only managed to sleep a few minutes. Actually dragged my sorry *** to work this morning, which was incredibly hard, not just for not giving a ****, but being so squirreled out trying, for instance, to put clothes on. I'd already had to leave early on Tues. for being on the edge of a breakdown (before the **** was even aloft), then given the next day off (not realizing I was the only one) and to show up today. Then informed that (at work) "it was hell yesterday". You're telling me.

Try as I might to hide it (though this morning, that was utterly futile as I scraped in there looking like God-knows-what piece of disheveled crap), they know something is seriously wrong.

Trying to normalize. Doing pretty ok right now, but been enough times to the rodeo to know that it's precarious and far from over. Dodging of that one horrific impulse this morning is not going to be all it takes.