Quote:
Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl
I feel cheated.
Before I was in therapy with this therapist, I was ALL ABOUT the frame, I really wanted the frame, I didn't know that's what it was called - but I really wanted the expertise of a great and skilfull therapist. I wanted the therapist to be kind, to 'click' with them, but I was 100% sure that it was the mysterious combination of talent, training and experience that can make therapy-magic happen. That I'd heal myself with their guidance.
Then I started with this therapist, and suddenly I didn't care about all that. All I knew is I loved her and then I grew confident that she loved me as well, and I though 'ah, so this is therapy, this is why it works, it's basically the relationship - it's love that heals' and I ardently believe that my T is very skilled and talented too, in terms of pointing out my defences and my skewed thinking and genuinely helping me see things differently.
But now, that seems to have been wrong too, and it's back to the first idea. It's exhausting. I feel if the frame had been there in the first place I wouldn't have tripped headlong down the rabbit hole of such intense love, it might all have been less intense and more calm.
Yeah, I feel cheated. But honestly, at the same time I'd never swap the intense love that grew from the time we had zero frame, because that acts as a reference point for me. Deep down, I do know that she cares authentically, even when I feel stung and hurt and horrific.
It's confusing.
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I think you're drawing a false opposition between the "frame T" and the "love T. " The love is important, but I would suggest it isn't lessened by the frame, but rather, the frame supports and enhances it by providing a language within which the love can be communicated safely and without stress.
I think of it like holding a baby. I'm not a baby person. I like kids as they grow and become interactive, but babies seem kind of boring to me. I don't dislike them, just don't feel drawn to them. And yet, babies seem to be very satisfied when I hold them. If you hold a baby like it's a soap bubble that may break, it often fusses and cries. If you hold the baby gently, but securely, they are often calm because they feel emotionally and physically supported and secure. After decades of thought that swaddling was confining and constricting and even cruel, swaddling is making a huge comeback. Why? Because babies derive comfort from security and they sense that security through their physical experience of gentle pressure. I think about Temple Grandin and her sense even as a child that her terror was eased by gentle, steady physical pressure. There is a deep connection between our physical and psychological perceptions. What are hugs if not temporary swaddling?
The therapy frame is the invisible swaddling that allows for the communication of and reception of therapy love. It makes the love safe so that it can be attuned to what the client needs. Too much of a good thing isn't always better, and is often worse. "Showering" someone with love can create an addictive, but ultimately overwhelming and insecure bond. I think that's what your T unknowingly created. She seems to be trying to correct that course, and it feels like a loss now, but you may begin to feel the positive effects of that as time goes on, if she can remain consistent.