There was a time believe it or not when I had aspirations for the future. I've always been considered the promising, bright, child of the family. I've always been treated as "the smart one" everywhere I go, something I rather resent now that I look back on it. I suppose there is some truth to my intelligence, I usually had a stellar track record academically, even in university when doing math or physics early on, at least for the brief periods when my emotional issues and perfectionism didn't completely overwhelm me. I've always been interested in science, math and nature, interests my father instilled in me at an early age, although I'm quite partial to many of the arts as well. I don't say any of this to brag, just to help elucidate an important fact that has informed my emotional issues. Little good any of this has done me however as to this day my interests have served as nothing but a side hobby (I never managed to get so much as a diploma despite trying several different fields) and a painful reminder of what could have been.

I have attempted to face my emotional demons. I've been on 4 or 5 different SSRIs at one time or another through the years, none of which did much but flatten me out. I've seen a series of psychiatrists and therapists to varying degrees of success, currently I'm attending some group therapy sessions. I see more promise and progress in therapy than psychiatry though either way it's been and will continue to be a painfully slow process. My life has been 5 steps forward and 4 1/2 back for what seems like the better part of 2 decades. It's exhausting and has taken its toll.