I been looking around this board for a couple of days, and I realize it doesn't move very fast. But wondering all the same how others experience their loss over time.

My father died when I was 15 - 19 years ago this month. Next year will be 20, and will mark the point in my next older sibling's life when he's been gone for as much of my sibling's life as he was alive - that was a big one for me several years ago.

Anyway, I don't feel like I have very many 'genuine' memories of my father, and it hurts me. Most of my memories revolve around either pictures I've seen over and over or stories we've told as a family. I can't remember without thinking really hard what color his eyes were. Even now, I need to go look at a picture to remember that. I can't remember his voice. Other than when he was entertaining guests, I can't really remember any conversations or anything, except for one right before he died that was really painful to me. He and I were much closer than I was with my mom, but I can't remember that anymore...I don't feel it. And it's been this way for a very long time now...feels like even since his death.

I shut down for a long time afterwards. Did some group grief counseling at school, and then some individual counseling after awhile. It wasn't until this past year, though, that I finally got through to feeling how angry I am with him over his death and realizing how big an impact it had on the way I live my life. I'm not sure I've ever really gone through all the stages of grief, though - sometimes it feels like I'm still stuck somewhere in them...angry, depressed, bargaining. I accept that he's dead, but still don't accept that there's nothing that can be done about death sometimes. So it stays fresh in my mind and experience, despite the fact that I feel like I don't even really remember HIM anymore.

Anyone else experience anything like this?