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eskielover · Aug 29, 2014, 05:52 PM

Ugh, I have been leaving messages for my lawyer....he's been busy with court cases this summer.....definitely where he earns his money, not from my less expensive divorce.

I never heard from him after I closed the account....have no idea how the dogs got fed that month & I know there was no way that he could have paid any of his bills.....but the account is closed & there is no way to get any picture of what he's doing with his life.....which leaves me uncomfortable while still married to him.

From my calculations, it's only a matter of time until he ends up homeless because of his incompetent way of handling finances. I have been doing some research & know have come up with understanding 100% of why he's reacted the way he has.....never came up with anything that explained his problems the way this has......but the problems are what they are & they are the reason I left him no matter what the reason for it is because I could no longer live that way....& that was 13 years before I finally did leave.

I just get the feeling that there is some shoe that's going to drop because of his lack of communication.....which has been a consistent problem through our marriage.....but also explained because of what I have come to realize is his problem.

There is part of me that wants to make sure he's taken care of even though I WILL NOT be the one to do it......is it right to KNOW that a problem exists without at least trying to get him the help he needs?

Do I send him an email with all the information that I have found out & let him sort through it & make his own decision on how to deal with it even though he hasn't ever been able to make a wise decision all his life? Do I email his parents with the information.......they are older....they he is their son & this issue he's had all his life. It's not just something that sprang up the last few years.....it was foundation of the issue I had with him before we ever got married & I just had no idea what the red flag I was seeing meant at that time.

When I was describing the things that were happening all the years of our marriage to the first T I had when I moved here...& he suggested that this might be the problem......I sat the information aside......but his pdoc wrote to the IRS that he believed there was something more neurologically wrong with him than just the ADD he had dx'ed him with......

Then when this last issue with the bank & his living on the $29 overdraft fees for every bill he had during the month for the last 1 1/2 years.....it made me realize just how absolutely non-functional & incapable he is of caring for himself.

My report to APS failed to get him the conservator that he needs & I don't have $5000 to plunk down on a lawyer to get that resolved....his parents are rich.....they are the ones that need to be taking care of their son IMO.

I sent them an email when the IRS situation happened telling them the same information I need to be telling them now....but since then I have read books & have done research that has convinced me of what his problem is......maybe with proof then could even remember back to his childhood. They continually threw excuses for his behavior from what I remember them saying......but they still add up to childhood examples of what he is struggling with now.....only it's gotten worse the more responsibilities he has had to deal with & the more stress he's had in his own life that he has had to deal with after I left.

Is it at least my responsibility to pass on the information I know & the facts that I have including the 3 years of bank statements they sent me right before I closed the account?......if he ends up homeless & everyone wonders why.......it's not right for me to hold onto the information I have without at least passing it on to those who may possibly be able to do something to help.

I never loved him.....but it doesn't mean that I want anyone to end up hurt in the way that he's hurting himself because he's not capable of handling his life on his own or making the wise decisions because his mind doesnot work that way?

I did sent an email with all the information to our daughter but she doesn't have a relationship with her grandparents that she feels comfortable sending that kind of information because she hasn't done the research & didn't know her father or see all the things that were going on the way I did (she graciously complimented us on keeping her safe from knowing those bad things that were going on)......but in her 30's it's safer to share a bit more so that she does have a better understanding of why things ended up the way they did without pointing fingers....but providing her information. Didn't know how she was going to take it initially, but it actually brought us closer which was almost a shock to me.

If nothing more comes from the research I have been doing is that it has lessened my anger toward stbxh.......because I know that his behavior does have a reason behind it that I have documented....behavior next to symptoms. It doesn't mean that I could ever live the rest of my life with those behaviors......but at least I am more certain that his behaviors did have a reason behind them other than his just being passive aggressive all the time & that he wasn't capable of handling the problems that came up & not just that he WOULDN'T. If you could get the worse case symptoms that all landed in one spot without the good.......that's what seemed to have happened.

But I like my alone life even though there are times I think how wonderful it would be to find someone who could really communicate with me & who could emotionally connect. Going from dysfunctional parents to a dysfunctional H.......sometimes I wonder about my own interactions with other people growing up & living for 33 years with people who were totally dysfunctional....there are times where I feel that it has left me dysfunctional as well.

I wondered when I left him why I felt like a NEW PERSON.....it was almost like I was starting my life over again & figuring out who I really was....& still working on who I am.....but sometimes it is a struggle to make sure that I am relating to others in a reasonable way. I was so used to H not understanding what I said & feeling like I was speaking in a foreign language, then having to figure out another way to express what I was trying to get through to him......sometimes I feel like I do it to others because I was so used to having to relate to the person I was with that way.

I can't ever imagine going back to living the way I did for all those years....it did feel like a prison in so many ways. I think the only thing that did keep my sanity was having my engineering career for 15 years. It was when I lost that that I came to realize just HOW bad the marriage relationship was but I still couldn't put my finger on exactly what was so massively horrible because he was a NICE person & could do nice things at times.....but there just was & never had been any connection between us.....a foreign concept to him.

One would think that communicating with others would just come naturally.....but after so many years of living with dysfunctional people who didn't communicate in a natural way.......it does at times have it's challenges even now.....my psychologist the other day when we were talking about this commented that she had no idea that I had gone through this or felt this way & she said that considering where I had come from it's amazing that I am where I am......so I guess there is some natural ability to communicate that underlies with those who have lived around nothing but dysfunction.

At least now I understand myself better I realize why I always stayed on the outside of groups. I was accepted by all the groups I was on the outside of but I was afraid to become involved because I didn't always know how to communicate in a large group of people.....so I stuck with my one best friend from Junior High through college when we both got married.....then we went our separate ways.

I still do best in small groups even though I have large groups that I am involved with. I have so many interests & things that I enjoy doing that I couldn't do when I was married or when I was working 70 hours a week at my engineering career.......& when I went through the depression after that, I did absolutely NOTHING other than ride my horse & sometimes play in a chamber group with my flute.

I am finally enjoying life.....& sometimes that takes a while to realize also.

I will just be happy when I can get this divorce over with & get him permanently & safely out of my life so that no surprises will come slamming down on me from miles away.....or from the past because he was incapable of communicating anything to me.