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Originally Posted by raestan92
I know what you mean when you say you "want to escape the mental prison". I have felt this way since the age of 14. I've been on the meds as well and I still take effexor and that's it. I was on lithium for 5 years and quit it and couldn't even tell a difference. I've seen the doctors, councilors, and been in group therapy too. Sometimes I think I should give up on trying to get " better" and just deal with who/what I am....but I know I have to keep seeing the positives in life and keep putting one foot in front of the other....otherwise our thoughts could drive us mad. I hope things get better for you. Good luck.
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Thank you raestan92, yes it's an eternal struggle isn't it? Some days I wonder where I'm going to get the energy to get to sundown. Other days things are looking on the up and up. More than anything it's the back and forth between these 2 states that I can't stand. If I were eternally horribly depressed I would resign myself to a self destructive oblivion, that would be horrible but in some ways the knowledge of its finality would almost be oddly comforting. If every day looked better than the next, well that would of course be the best of all worlds. But this, one day things look good, the next I'm back in hell, is torture
These last few weeks have been largely steady, although I'm quite anxious about starting the new job. But I'm always just waiting for the "other shoe to drop" for that next mini nervous break down to hit, that next bit of bad news or trigger that will set me off down the dark rabbit hole. Anyway sorry for being negative. Thanks for replying it means a lot!