Hi everyone. I'm new here. I'm just venting really. Saying all of this will feel very cathartic and I'll feel much better afterwards. At the same time... I'd appreciate sensitivity, because I really need that.

Here's a little bit of background information about me. I'm happily married. I'm a well-adjusted extrovert. I'm a hardworking and successful public figure, which is why I'll try to keep as much personal information out of my posts as possible. I'm a very fun-loving, happy, optimistic and positive person by nature. I love the beach, life and cats. I'm very spiritual. I'm an ENFP and a 3w7w8 SX Variant.

My ex committed suicide recently. I feel torn over this. We broke up over a decade ago and always remained acquaintances. (I've always remained acquaintances with all of my exes and even their parents as well.) We hadn't spoken for a while and we spoke for the first time in recent history during May. My exes mother had passed away. I noticed a steady decline in my ex's mood over the last few months. My ex said a few things that struck me as odd. My ex mentioned having been single since we split and not having had sex since then either. That made me feel very uncomfortable, because clearly my ex was hung-up on me. I dumped my ex (way back when) because of emotional abuse. That and my ex was mentally unstable. My ex was also a pathological liar, as well as an addict and a thief. I also found out that my ex was (in fact) married while we were together. Which is strange... As, my ex had continually asked for my hand in marriage. Yet, I kept turning my ex down, due to feeling bad vibes and bad juju. My ex has had numerous children, all with different people (many of them had been taken away by the state). My ex was in loads of trouble for not paying any child support. For all of these reasons (when I found out about them), I dumped my ex. My ex was not "a keeper".

Part of me feels bad that my ex committed suicide. There's another part of me that feels relieved, because my ex will never be able to hurt another person (or bring another child to be neglected into this world) ever again.

However, I don't really have closure. I don't really understand why my ex did this. Based on things said to me, I was part of the reasoning behind the suicide. Although, I don't think I really had anything to do with it. It's not my fault that my ex was unable to get over me. My ex made the conscious decision to not date and to not move on. I moved on. I got married. I've been happily married for 12 years. I tried to convince my ex to date, but my ex always made excuses for not dating... My ex couldn't find anyone attractive... My ex couldn't find anyone who wasn't a drug addict... Excuses... Excuses... Excuses... LEP (lame excuse particle)... We didn't even live in the same state and hadn't seen each other in 12 years.

The not having closure has stirred up some feelings from the past in regards to other deaths where I also never really found closure because the truth regarding the deaths was never entirely revealed. In 1993, one of my best friends shot another one of my best friends 6 times at point blank range. It was all over the news, because we were minors. The shooter was acquitted. A tribunal was held and they decided that the findings and reports were never to be released. I'll never know what really happened. In 1997, one of my best friends murdered her mother. In 2001, another one of my best friends hanged herself. There was no suicide note. In 2008, another one of my best friends committed suicide. Again, there was no suicide note. In 2009, my best friend tried to kill herself and take me with her. My best friend died and I survived (obviously). Yet, I suffer from extensive permanent nerve damage and several chronic pain conditions due to the accident. Recently, another one of my best friends committed suicide, but the family has been pretending that the death was due to the recent multi-state e.coli outbreak (but according to the CDC, the recent outbreak caused no fatalities). I believe that it was a suicide; because my friend had lost touch with reality, had become paranoid as well as delusional and was behaving erratically and irrationally prior to presumably committing suicide.

I also feel torn about these deaths too, because details about the lives these people really lived came out after their deaths. They all kept a lot of things from me... Such as drug addiction, stealing mass quantities of money, etc. I can see why these things were kept from me, because I don't approve and would have stopped speaking with them.

I've opened up to the people I know about all of this and they've been holding it against me, like that there's something wrong with me that so many of my friends have killed themselves. It shouldn't be a reflection on me. I had no idea who these people really were. The people i've opened up to, they've said things that have been really abusive and insensitive, which is the complete opposite of what I need right now. Yes, I realize that these people are toxic and I've stopped speaking with them. So, on top of everything else, I'm dealing with the recent loss of several close friendships.

I feel so much better now that I've externalized all of this!