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eskielover · Aug 30, 2014, 02:09 PM

Thank you Healingme4me

........when I was listening to the radio the other day, there was a program talking about not withholding information that we have that could possibly help someone else..........

I have been so stuck on what is the right thing to do with this....which was why I sent the information to our daughter to start with.

My psychologist hasn't been much help in helping me decide what is the best thing to do with this information & being that the only family I have is our daughter since my parents have died & being an only child I have no siblings to discuss family issues with.....& friends are good to take to, but have received differing thoughts......so I have been just sitting on the information while I'm doing more & more reading & research & coming up with even more information describing the issues that are causing him serious problems in his life.

Of course his parents blame his problems all on me leaving him & taking my inheritance & not giving him a cent. When I left I left everything that we accumulated in our marriage over the 33 years with him including all the furniture from my mother's house. If he had been capable of taking care of himself, he had the resources..........but as I have now learned, any stress, he would shut down.....while I thought he was just being a jerk & silently leaving everything for me to handle because he just didn't want to deal with problems in the passive aggressive way that he seemed to handle everything else he didn't want to do.

I was shocked the last time I was with him (if you can imagine being cooped up in a truck together for 2100 miles with someone who was impossible to communicate with & trying to discuss rationally the issues that were serious problems in the marriage).......he commented that he thought his only responsibility as a H was to go to work & bring home the money & that was all a H was supposed to do. I was about ready to throw him out of my truck if I'd had an ejection seat.......that was after 33 years of being married & after the confrontation I had with him even before we got married about what my expectations in marriage for both of us was (I was still going after my degree in accounting information systems with a comp sci minor). Lack of being able to communicate....he totally agreed with everything I had said without any conversation about any differences. His comment at the end was that he thought I would change how I felt after we got married. The whole purpose of getting those issues discussed before marriage is to determine whether the marriage should even happen or not & to determine compatibility. Another comment that blew my mind was that all these years he didn't want a divorce because "HE DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A FAILURE" as of no one noticed all the other failures that were going on in his life.

There are times that I get so mad at myself for being so stupid to have ever married him when my gut feeling told me not to but my mother was so sure that he would grow up & become responsible......as I said, who would think back in 1975 that anyone could have a college degree & a high IQ & be so totally incompetent......we didn't know then what we know now.....& he was & is a nice person. Have to laugh a bit.....how ironic.....it was my inheritance from after my mother's death that gave me the ability to leave the marriage after all those years. Think in all her messed up state at the end of her life (cancer & a stroke from the blood clots that her oncologist refused to Dx) & before the actual trauma with the home care person happened that messed me up so bad.....she was realizing that there were serious problems in the marriage.

I think at times how wonderful life could have been if I had never gotten married in the first place or if I had found a compatible H who I could have communicated with & actually had an emotional attachment with.......I always wondered why I never felt a connection with him......I always thought it was my fault coming from a family that was that way I figured I didn't know how to be emotionally attached to anyone....add to that, the lack of respect his attitude made me have toward him before we ever did get married.....but I really didn't think at the time just how much effect that really played in the lack of love I never felt for him.

I definitely should have held onto my "I will NEVER get married" opinion I had before I met him.....& honestly had even right before the wedding.....wouldn't it be great if life had the ability for "do overs".

I'm sure there is going to be an issue with his retirement fund in the divorce because his comment in one of the emails was "it's not on the table" & I will get the amount that we set if up for "after he dies". I told him that he needed to get a lawyer so that my lawyer & his lawyer could discuss it because I was not going to get into it with him.....but he has no money for a lawyer....that's obvious.......so all we can do is deal with his black & white thinking of what is right & wrong......& we will see I guess what the judge actually determines in the end........but my lawyer said that what happens in an out of state divorce is that he writes it all up & sends it registered mail.....if he doesn't sign the agreement & goes into the same mode that he did with the IRS or the mortgage company........then he has to put an add in the local paper where H lives for several weeks.....& then after that, I guess he takes the information to the judge & get's it finalized that way.

I'm so used to no action out of him.....that I'm thinking that's the way he's going to react to the divorce letter from my lawyer........oh well, time will tell.....& I do need some level of closure whether his parents or he can even comprehend the information that I have......wrapping up almost 40 years of my life seems to be a reasonable thing to do along with hopefully getting him the help that he really needs. Can't believe it's so difficult getting a conservator for someone with such blatant proof that they are incompetent (3 years of bank statements)......& he's on disability in the first place. Bank statements show that he hadn't been to see his pdoc in over a year.....so not sure it's worth faxing the information to him (we both had the same pdoc before I left).....but think I will send a copy of the diagnostic analysis information to him also JUST IN CASE. He was able to DX the adult ADD & stated that there was more wrong, but he doesn't do the Dx necessary to determine what I'm sure stbxh is really dealing with.

Honestly, it's a lot easier & a lot more peaceful to have NO relationships than one that ended up like this.....what a waste of my life & all those years......& it's horrible to admit that Yes, I was depressed at the loss of my career.....but I found it was more depressing feeling trapped in that marriage when I didn't have the income from my engineering career any longer to actually escape the marriage by that time when I totally was able to realize just HOW BAD it really was.....it wasn't until I put all the pieces together that I really understood why I had all those sui attempts & came close several times to being successful......I wanted out!!!!!....but we all (including myself at the time) blamed it on the loss of career only).....but no one could understand why I was overreacting so bad at JUST the loss of my career.....but no one even questioned the marriage even when there ended up being some physical abuse.....because that usually came after I got so fed up that I did something that initiated it in the first place. Interesting how what I lived with for so long felt like emotional abuse.....but it can't be abuse if it wasn't intentional & they just weren't capable of being any different.......that was when the wonderful psychologist I have now explained that it wasn't necessarily abuse but it was definitely dysfunctional behavior. The line gets drawn by the lack of intent.

So much for the ramblings of my brain today