[QUOTE=HazelGirl;3967850]My T and I talk a lot about how I don't like to have needs. And it's true. I hate my needs. I want to be self-sufficient, and not rely on anyone else. It hurts incredibly when others let me down, and it scares me immensely when I have to rely on people for anything .QUOTE]

You are definitely not alone in this warped way of thinking, Hazelgirl. It's something I have dealt with for a very long time. . . .I say a long time because I never talked about it or dealt with in therapy, until now and I'm a LOT older than you! I just couldn't find the courage to dig down deep and expose how raw and ugly those feelings felt.

My need to be self-sufficient meant that I never needed a man because I could take care of myself better. That deprived me of the close intimacy that a long term relationship gives a person. My ridiculous need to be self-sufficient would go to the extreme--I'd be so determined to do something on my own that I'd NEVER ask for help or borrow a simple tool to fix something. Instead, I'd find a way to do it myself and I'd go to the store and buy the tool I needed; even if I only needed to use the tool once. It's a recipe that leads to loneliness and it's taking self-sufficiency to the extreme!

You are young and you have time to really explore these feelings and reconnect/recreate brain pathways that mean greater and better functioning. Give yourself a little breathing room and credit. Try to recognize how honest you're trying to be with these feelings. You're talking about these feelings openly with your therapist, and I agree with her, it's going to take some time. I think recognizing your behavior patterns is the beginning of meaningful change. Hang in there.