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Originally Posted by archipelago
I have had issues with needs that were pretty serious. I was aware that as a child I was essentially told not to have any. It wasn't until more probing in therapy that I became more aware of the degree of neglect there was, actually abusive neglect such as not being feed properly and such. But I didn't ever complain. I was supposed to be self-sufficient and independent and invisible.
My shrink explained to me that a precious self-sufficiency can develop of there is a misattunement or other problem with early attachment. I had some pre-verbal traumatic memories that pointed to very little care very early on. When needs are not only not met but are not even recognized, then we deny we have needs and feel bad if we do. That helps us maintain our attachment despite the problems that exist with it. It is also for survival. While it does affect sense of self and therefore self-esteem, it doesn't necessarily stem from lack of self-esteem. It can have environmental sources.
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Yeah, from what I was told about my life as an infant, I was very neglected as a baby. My mom worked full time and my dad refused to take care of me. My older brother would take care of me in the morning, then go to school (he was in high school), then come home and take care of me in the evening until my mother got home from work. So there were many hours that, as an infant, I was mostly ignored. My uncle told me a story once of when he came to visit me when I was a few months old, and my father was "watching" me. He was asleep on the couch in the living room and I was in his bedroom with the door closed screaming. When my uncle went back there, I was laying in the play pen with a dirty diaper and was obviously being ignored. I'm not sure how often that happened, but probably more than that one time.
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Originally Posted by Jaybird57
You are definitely not alone in this warped way of thinking, Hazelgirl. It's something I have dealt with for a very long time. . . .I say a long time because I never talked about it or dealt with in therapy, until now and I'm a LOT older than you! I just couldn't find the courage to dig down deep and expose how raw and ugly those feelings felt.
My need to be self-sufficient meant that I never needed a man because I could take care of myself better. That deprived me of the close intimacy that a long term relationship gives a person. My ridiculous need to be self-sufficient would go to the extreme--I'd be so determined to do something on my own that I'd NEVER ask for help or borrow a simple tool to fix something. Instead, I'd find a way to do it myself and I'd go to the store and buy the tool I needed; even if I only needed to use the tool once. It's a recipe that leads to loneliness and it's taking self-sufficiency to the extreme!
You are young and you have time to really explore these feelings and reconnect/recreate brain pathways that mean greater and better functioning. Give yourself a little breathing room and credit. Try to recognize how honest you're trying to be with these feelings. You're talking about these feelings openly with your therapist, and I agree with her, it's going to take some time. I think recognizing your behavior patterns is the beginning of meaningful change. Hang in there.
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I know what you mean about the tools and such. I am the same way. I figure it out by myself, fix it by myself, and don't ever tell anyone else I needed any help. I almost feel embarrassed and mortified if I can't solve it on my own, and this even goes as far as medical treatment and the feeling that I am taking up too much of my doctor's time when I'm sick or have a question.