I had similar things going on with me and for similar reasons with similar effects. All I can say is that when I found a therapist who knew about attachment styles, though he didn't explicitly talk about it, but I knew this is what he was doing, I was able to shift from an insecure (avoid ant) attachment to a more secure one, where he was a stable, reliable, responsive attachment that made it safe finally for me to have needs. It evolved over time and my whole personality shifted. You can win; it just feels contradictory now because it truly is.